2018年04月20日 05:35:20|来源:国际在线|编辑:知道乐园
Jim Brown knew he was in trouble before his mother finished asking the question. #39;Am I a better cook than your wife?#39; she asked, calmly stirring a pot on the stove in her kitchen.母亲还未问完这个问题,吉姆·布朗(Jim Brown)就知道自己麻烦来了。“我的厨艺是不是比你妻子的更好?”母亲在厨房里一边平静地搅拌着炉灶上锅里的食物,一边问道。With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed -- #39;for a trap door to appear,#39; he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. #39;I said that my wife is a better cook,#39; the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.吉姆吾吾不愿回答,因为当时妻子乔伊(Joy)就站在旁边。他说当时自己祈祷着“地上能出现一道缝”。最终,他做了当时他能想到的唯一一件事:实话实说。他说:“我当时答道妻子的厨艺更好。”现年50岁的吉姆是得克萨斯州邓肯维尔(Duncanville)一家汽修店的老板。The fallout? #39;Biblical,#39; he says. #39;There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth.#39; Even his wife got mad -- telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.结果呢?他说:“糟糕透顶。母亲气得咬牙切齿,并对我大声数落。”甚至连妻子都非常生气,说他不顾母亲的感受。Sadly, the scene wasn#39;t new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother -- and his position, stuck in the middle -- was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.可悲的是,这种场景对当时结婚七年的布朗夫妇来说并不新鲜。妻子和母亲之间的紧张关系──还有他夹在中间的左右为难──已经对三人间的关系产生了负面影响。他母亲批评他妻子抚育孩子的方式,并且不满她赋闲在家。妻子就向他哭诉和抱怨。面对这两个女人,他选择了逃避。#39;I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn#39;t really understand either one,#39; he says. #39;My inclination was to go mow the grass.#39; Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work -- until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.他说:“我是个男人,直觉也不那么灵敏。这两个女人,我简直一个都搞不懂。遇到这种事情,我就想出去割草。”接下来的两年,布朗夫妇一直竭力维持着这个三角关系──直到冲突触及危机点,并来了个意料之外的转折。Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.很少有家庭关系比婆婆、媳妇以及被夹在中间的男人之间的关系更令人头疼了。虽然它一直是喜剧类电影和电视剧永恒的题材,但似乎每一代人都不得不自己学习如何让这种三角关系维持下去。Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son#39;s relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?根据威斯康辛大学史蒂文斯波恩特分校(University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point)传播学助理教授西尔维娅·米库茨基-埃尼亚特(Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart)一项尚未发表论文的研究,娶儿媳比嫁女儿更让母亲担心。她询问了89名婆婆和岳母,孩子结婚她们最担心什么。这些人绝大多数都表示,如果是儿子结婚,她们会感到更加不确定、不安心。这种不安集中在儿子与父母以及自己小家庭的关系上。他会比以前少来看望我们或者少打电话吗?他会和家人一起共度假期吗?The mothers also reported worrying about their son#39;s well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: #39;He#39;s no longer reliable, due to his wife#39;s interference.#39; #39;His interests have changed dramatically.#39; #39;Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.#39; #39;Is he happy?#39;母亲们还称,她们担心儿子的幸福,以及婚姻和妻子是否会改变他。一些具体的担心包括:“因为妻子干涉,他变得不再可信赖。”“他的兴趣爱好发生了戏剧性的改变。”“他吃饱了吗?我儿媳可不是个好厨子。”“他快乐吗?”Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. #39;Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?#39; #39;What is her ability to take financial care of herself?#39; #39;What does she say about me when I am not around?#39;米库茨基-埃尼亚特士还调查了133名儿媳,让她们谈论了对于抚养其丈夫长大的那个女人的担忧。“我婆婆会不会太干涉我的生活?”“她在经济上照顾自己的能力怎样?”“当我不在的时候,她是怎么说我的?”#39;We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome,#39; says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may t carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. #39;It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,#39; she says.米库茨基-埃尼亚特士说:“很可能儿媳会不怎么喜欢婆婆,并且觉得她会多管闲事。”结果,这两个女人可能一开始相处就小心翼翼,采取防御姿态,最终渐行渐远。她说:“这已经变成了一种自预言。”In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women#39;s traditional role as what researchers call #39;kin keepers#39; who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.从某种方式上来说,母亲和妻子都在争着养育这个男人。让这种关系雪上加霜的是被研究人员称作“家庭关系维护者”的女性传统角色,该角色负责管理家庭社交日程,维护家庭关系和传统。There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don#39;t know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.两边都存在不确定性。婆婆和媳妇虽说理应是一家人,但双方并不怎么熟悉。如何称呼对方?应该与对方分享多少?都没有脚本。The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm#39;s length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man#39;s self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.这种不确定本身就可能导致嫉妒、愤怒或伤心。不确定性越强,两个女人越可能相互保持距离。而这可能会破坏婚姻的稳定:当母亲和妻子开战,男人自我保护的本能会告诉他能躲多远是多远。How can families break the pattern? It#39;s really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. #39;He needs to step up to the plate,#39; she says. #39;He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known.#39;如何才能打破这一模式?米库茨基-埃尼亚特士说,关键在丈夫/儿子身上。她说:“他必须出面。他必须把妻子放在首位,并且让大家知道这一点。”If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn#39;t need to tell her that it upsets his wife.如果他的母亲经常出其不意地造访,让妻子感到困扰,做丈夫的需要和母亲说,来之前请先打电话。他不需要告诉母亲说这件事困扰到了他妻子。#39;A mother is more likely to respond to her son#39;s request than her daughter-in-law#39;s,#39; says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.米库茨基-埃尼亚特士说:“母亲更容易对儿子而不是儿媳的要求做出回应。”Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles.媳妇也可以发挥她们的作用,让婆婆参与到家庭中来。邀请她们一起吃晚餐。给她们发送孩子们的照片。有些事情学会睁一只眼闭一只眼。#39;Don#39;t make it a competition,#39; says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. #39;You both love this man in completely different ways.#39;米库茨基-埃尼亚特士说:“别让它成为一种竞争。你们都爱这个男人,只是采取的方式不同。”The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don#39;t throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.她说,夫妇必须永远站在同一战线上。记住,你们是一个团队。别把对方往火坑里推。她说,父母对你们会共同进退这一点是有心理准备的,尽管一开始他们可能会有些难以接受。The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns#39; marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing.布朗夫妇结婚一年左右的时候,婆媳之间的关系就开始变得紧张。当时乔伊怀了,而她婆婆似乎突然变得无所不知。乔伊试着礼貌地对她视而不见,但偶尔会对老太太说她错了。婆婆会大哭并气冲冲地离开,最后乔伊不得不道歉了事。#39;I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance,#39; says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.乔伊说:“我感觉这是两败俱伤,好像我们是在跳一场疯狂的舞蹈。”现年45岁的乔伊是一名五年级的老师。So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband -- and, mostly, he did nothing. #39;It didn#39;t occur to me to contradict my mom,#39; he says.于是,大部分时候乔伊只好向丈夫抱怨。但,大部分时候,他什么也不做。他说:“我从来没有想过要去驳斥我母亲。”Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. #39;She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me,#39; he says. #39;And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife.#39;更糟糕的是:吉姆有时会和他母亲讨论他婚姻中的问题。他说:“她会表示同情,我想,这让她感觉离我更近。这更让我觉得自己受到了妻子的怠慢。”Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn#39;t remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple#39;s divorce discussion. #39;Just because he got married didn#39;t make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady,#39; she says.吉姆借工作逃避。他和妻子开始过着平行线般的生活,最终他提出了离婚。但在他们将这一决定告诉母亲后,她似乎让步了。现年72岁的贝蒂·韦德(Betty Wade)说,她不记得自己曾经和儿媳关系紧张,也不觉得这是导致夫妇俩商讨离婚的因素之一。她说:“虽然他结了婚,但依然是我的儿子;不过我也知道,他必须要去关心另外那位女士。”The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married.贝蒂的让步为夫妇俩改善彼此的关系提供了一个机会。他们向所在教区的顾问寻求建议,并且去求助了婚姻咨询师。他们阅读自助书籍,还一起祈祷。他们的婚姻也得以维系了下来。#39;It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears,#39; Mr. Brown says. #39;But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first.#39;吉姆说:“这就是一部血泪史。但我学会了要牢牢记住一点,就是必须把妻子摆在首位。” /201306/242567Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?理发员:你进来时是不是系着红围巾?Customer: No.  顾客:没有呀。Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.理发员:噢,那我肯定弄破了你的喉咙。

Giving birth to a child is a physical and emotional experience that#39;s as exhausting as it is exhilarating. Afterward, every new mom needs recovery time, even if she had a relatively easy birth. Factor in a C-section or other complications and the need for care after birth increases exponentially.新生命的诞生固然是让人高兴的大事儿,但生产的过程对新妈妈来说,无论是身体上还是心理上都是非常疲惫的。生产结束后,每个新妈妈都需要恢复时间,就算是生产过程相对轻松的妈妈也不例外。剖腹产和并发症等使得妈妈们在产后越来越需要得到护理。For many women around the world postpartum support comes from partners, family, and friends who rally to help out and give the new mom a chance to regain her strength and focus on bonding with her baby. The type of support moms get and the length of time they receive that support vary around the world.世界各国的女性在生产后都会得到各方的帮助持,有的来自家人朋友,有的来自团体组织,他们帮助新妈妈恢复体力,和新生儿之间建立亲子关系。不同地区的产妇所得到的的产假时长和照料方式也各有不同。In China and India, many new moms practice the tradition of postpartum confinement after the birth of a child. Confinement is a period of time, usually from 30 to 40 days after the birth of a child, when a new mom rests and avoids physical work.在中国和印度,许多产妇妈妈都有坐月子的传统。生下宝宝后30至40天,妈妈都要卧床休息,不做任何体力劳动。The mom stays home and is attended by close family and friends. Some women even hire a professional confinement ;lady; or maid. These helpers cook special recovery meals for the new mom, teach her how to bathe, swaddle, and care for her newborn, and tend to the baby when mom needs rest.新妈妈待在家里,由家人朋友悉心照料。有些人甚至还会专门雇“月嫂”,负责做产妇专用恢复餐、教会新妈妈如何给孩子洗澡、裹襁褓等等。要是妈妈累了要休息,她们还得照顾新生儿。In India the confinement period can last anywhere from 40 to 60 days depending on where the woman lives. In addition to rest and special meals, the ;confined; new mom might also receive a daily massage to soothe her body and help her blood circulation.在印度,产妇生活的地区不同,坐月子的时间也不同,但大都在40至60天左右。除了休息和特殊饮食,新妈妈在坐月子期间每天还要做,以放松身体、促进血液循环。Part of the reason confinement traditions aren#39;t more widesp is that forty days at home, with or without professional help, is a luxury that#39;s out of reach for most women.但并不是所有国家都有坐月子的传统。部分原因是不管有没有专业护理,在家待40天对于大多数女性来说都是可望不可即的奢侈生活。In fact, many new moms around the world have to go back to work as soon as possible after their child is born because they have no access to paid maternity leave.事实上,全球许多女性因为没有产假,在生下孩子后就立刻返回工作岗位。The U.S. is one of the only developed countries without a national paid maternity leave program. Compare that to countries like Sweden where new mothers and fathers are eligible for 48 weeks each of paid leave after the birth of a child, the UK (39 weeks) and Russia (28 weeks). Even India and Malaysia both offer 12 weeks of paid leave to their new mothers.美国是唯一一个不设国家带薪产假项目的发达国家。同其它国家相比,瑞典为新生儿父母各提供48周的带薪产假,英国有39周,俄罗斯有28周。即使在印度和马来西亚,产妇也有12周的带薪产假。The Duchess of Cambridge will live with her parents, Carole and Michael Middleton after giving birth to her first child. Carole’s younger brother, Gary Goldsmith confirmed that Catherine will indeed be using mum’s help.凯特王妃生下第一个孩子后将会回娘家,与父母卡罗尔和迈克尔住在一起。卡罗尔的弟弟加里·戈德史密斯确认说,凯瑟琳(即凯特王妃)的确需要妈妈的帮助。“The fact that they’re taking the baby to Carole’s for the first six weeks is genius,” Goldsmith said of the Middletons. ”Carole’s a brilliant mum – she is 10 years older than me and practised on me – and I think it’s the right thing to do. It will take the pressure off Kate.”谈起米德尔顿一家时,戈德史密斯说:“他们在产后前六周和孩子住在母亲家的决定十分正确,卡罗尔是个聪明能干的母亲。他比我大十岁,之前就照顾过我。我认为回家的做法很明智,凯特的压力会因此减轻不少。” /201307/249765

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